I would call him defiant. I would say he doesn't listen. I would say he is strong willed. I would say he is stubborn, hyper and wild. I would say that I am scared and worried that if he continues to be on this path that a difficult path lies before him in schooling, with friendships and life. I worry that there might be something medically wrong and that a visit to a pediatrician is in order.
I have completed the Triple P Program (Positive Parenting Program). I have used the program. I have recently gone back over the program. I have read Toddler Taming. I have read Love and Logic. I have read anything that even hints at giving some relief to his behaviour issues. We are not getting any where...except the small relief that getting older provides (he IS improved from three months ago!)
Everyday without fail Chook will take a toy from Ooffa. It doesn't matter what toy it is. If Ooffa has it, Chook's gotta take it! It happens throughout the day and it is driving me crazy. I have tried to bring Chook's attention to the distress that taking the toys causes Ooffa. He laughs it off. I have tried to put him in the Thinking Spot. He leaves it immediately. I have tried to put him in time out. He leaves immediately. I close the door. He goes into hysterics and opens it immediately. I lock the door. He goes into complete meltdown and we have lost the whole point of the problem behaviour.
At my wits end, feeling utterly defeated, I rang the Parenting Line in the hopes that the person on the end of the line would give me a solution other than Time Out. She didn't.
Time out and star charts just don't sit right with me. Yes, I am a teacher. Yes, I have used both as behaviour management strategies. But now with my own child, there has to be a better way! How can a three year old child be placed in time out and be expected to know that doing A behaviour leads to B consequences. I don't see the learning in this strategy. Yes, you tell the child why they are going into time out but while they're there...experience tells me they're not thinking about their behaviour, so what's the point if it's not helping address the problem behaviour?
And star charts...Great for chores, homework and teeth brushing etc but generally over used and they never directly deal with the unwanted behaviour.
So here I am.
This can't be it.
There has to be something else.
So what do I fill the void with? What are the alternatives?
It's time to regroup. It's time for a new game plan.
It is time to gather everything I know about child development and behaviour management and my own personal beliefs and make it work, for my sanity, Chook's future and our family.
Waldorf encourages mothers to regularly participate in activities that enhance their wellbeing, renew their spirit and work on their inner self. This inner work is encouraged as it assists mothers to be the best they can be for themselves and their families. Finding a new path for Chook and I is going to be my inner work over the next few weeks (months? years?). I want my parenting to be positive, pratical and effective! I want to feel the joy again.
I welcome you in joining in with me on this journey of parenting with joy.
Hi Amie,
ReplyDeleteCan I suggest you check out "Discipline - A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" by James Windell. It's an old book, mine is 1991 edition, so your library might have a copy. We bought ours second hand through www.booko.com.au (via book depositary) for only a few bucks. Anyway, it is great. The focus is on techniques that encourage positive behaviour. It's not necessarily a toddler / preschool book - it is relevant accross a broad range of ages. I have found it fantastic for my 2 year 3 month old, and my mother-in-law has also raved about it for her 15 year old. Good luck. May the force be with you :)
xx
Danya Banya
www.danyabanya.com
Thank you I will have a look for it :)
DeleteOh Amie, What an honest post. I feel for you. I'm sorry the parenting line couldn't help you.
ReplyDeleteYou're such a wonderful mother who is spending time thinking, contemplating, and planning for strategies that are going to work for you and for Chooka. He is so lucky to have you.
Well done on focusing on yourself too. So very important.
I don't really know you or Chooka but I thought I'd share something with you that works for my 3 year old daughter and I. Before we start an activity or venture out I talk to her about one behavioral expectation I have; something positive I want her to concentrate on (e.g I'd like you to remember to say 'thank you today/ I'd like you to help pack up the toys before we say goodby to Kai today/ etc.)
It gives her something concrete to think about. I can refer to our 'talk' during the activity and we can chat about it afterwards. I don't know much about Waldorf so not sure if it aligns with the philosophy.
I know your concerns are bigger than that, but I hope I've provided you with one more strategy to consider.
This is a great tip, thank you. It will fit perfectly in with Waldorf. Anything that connects you with your child is brilliant!
DeleteGreat post Amie...felt like i was right there with you! I so feel your frustration and wish i could offer an easy and failproof solution but it really is trial and error isn't it? Sounds like you are doing everything possible and i do hope you find something that works for you both soon. When i used to facilitate parenting classes at my last job many parents had success with the 123 magic technique...i feel it is better for 3 yr olds up although it does say from 2. Big hugs Mummy....you are doing a great job xx
ReplyDeleteJust letting you know that I am waiting to borrow 123 from a friend. Thanks for the recommendation :)
DeleteThanks for your honest post. I don't have any advice, but I think you're doing a wonderful job. Chook is lucky to have a mom who is patient and committed to being positive in discipline. By the way, I nominated your awesome blog for a Liebster award! Here's the link:
ReplyDeletehttp://learningthroughtheclutter.blogspot.com/2012/09/liebster-blog.html
Thank you for the nomination. It has been a rough few weeks there and I have only got around to this now. Sorry I missed it :(
DeleteI too am blessed with a strong willed child. Thank you for such and honest post. I think part of the problem is that we don't expect these behaviors from our children because no one talks about them in terms of their own children, so we think it is all just ours. All I can say is that I am still going through it and I have found enough sleep, regular activity (a lot of this like 2 hours running at the park each day) and a predictable rhythm to be some important components. Also not sure if you have read it, but I really like raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
ReplyDeleteGreat tips. I have been visiting the park lots and lots. I will look for that book at my library, thank you :)
Deleteoh you sound just like i feel sometimes. I think the twos and threes are supposed to be the hardest age (fingers crossed). And it must be much harder with other siblings thrown into the mix, you can't just sit back and let him do stuff that you know is 'bad' but you are too exhausted to deal with. i sympathise even though I have no solutions to offer.
ReplyDeleteI'm sharing this in the Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board so others don't feel so alone with these feelings.
you have been featured on the Sunday Parenting Party at Taming the Goblin, please stop by and grab a featured button from my button page if you'd like one.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I missed this! It has been a tough journey over the last few weeks. Thanks for the feature :)
DeleteJust saw this as I popped in to look at your toy rotation system via the Organised Housewife. I have two boys, 11 and 7, so have BTDT.
ReplyDelete1. I recommend Robyn Barker's The Mighty Toddler -- it has a fantastic section on how small children think.
2. Part of the reason you are having trouble is that Chook is only three and *really* doesn't understand what the problem is. Really! He doesn't have the same concept of possession that you do, nor the empathy, and certainly not the impulse control to stay in time-out by himself. Those will come with age.
3. Moreover, he probably knows he has a foolproof way of getting your attention, which is what he really wants. Try mapping when he snatches toys with what you are doing -- bet it is never when you are playing with him.
4. I felt time-out (banishment to the loo) was an appropriate punishment for egregiously socially unacceptable behaviour, like hitting. If you can't behave yourself around people you don't deserve to be with them Simple physical things work better for ordinarly guidance, like taking the toy back, removing the child from the power point, etc.
5. Frequent feeding and plenty of sleep are underestimated as behavioural tools.
6. I've always thought star charts were stupid things, but maybe that's because I'm too disorganised to run one effectively!
7. You're most unlikely to have a budding psychopath. He sounds like a normal, gorgeous little boy with a lovely Mum!
Thanks for these tips. I will look for that book at my local library :)
DeleteI just read your post then re read it. I thought maybe I had written the words that I was seeing. I am so feeling for you but can honestly offer you nothing, as I am experiencing the exact same problems with my 3 y/o little girl. I think Spirited was the word I have been given. I have 3 other children besides Zara and they are nothing like her. She is a whole different kind of child, that I can't even begin to understand. Every day is a battle, that I often do not win, and regularly feel defeated by the end of the day. Today hasn't been to bad, we will see how we go when she wakes from her nap :)
ReplyDeleteI can't express how nice it feels to know that I am not on this journey alone :) We have our good days and our awful days. I miss those naps! He refuses to nap yet he still really needs to have one. He is so tired by bedtime and it's very difficult to reason with him when he's tired. I hope you've had more good moments than bad. :)
DeleteLike others here I so appreciate your honesty!! Both the difficulties you're facing and your dedication to being the best parent you can be for you children. Have you tried these online resources? They have truly changed the way I see my role as a parent and how I address behavior challenges. Here's a short list, and they all have links to more blogs and websites...but maybe you know about them already!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child
http://handinhandparenting.org/
http://www.janetlansbury.com/
http://coreparentingpdx.com/
http://abundantlifechildren.com/
All the best to you and your family!!